Do our feelings influence our selection process after loss?
The sooner we let go of holding on, the sooner we can hold on to the beauty of what’s unfolding before us.
Nothing was ever meant to stay the same forever.
JULIEANNE O’CONNOR
Unfortunately, that question is rhetorical, especially when mourning.
The model of Dr Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, defines five emotional stages of grief, which help us to contextualise feelings and emotional responses.
Every event in our lives can trigger a feeling, impacting our inner core. Positive ones fill us with joy and contentment. Rather negative occurrences could invoke sad or painful feelings and can be challenging to deal with.
To some extent, these five emotional states (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and their related emotional reactions could occur each time when we work through our pijn. Especially people with a rich emotional world, like empaths, require a strong framework to identify and process feelings and emotions. It helps them to navigate the overwhelming effects of their sensitivity.
Moreover, these are also the fundamentals of mourning which teach us how to manoeuvre difficult patches of the grieving river. When we’re forced to embark on our journey, we must offload some baggage on the way, otherwise our vessel becomes overburdened, slowing it down, make water or even sink.
That forces us to make choices about what to keep and what remains behind on the shore, and these are made based on our emotional state.
Today, as I dwell on my memories, I came to the realisation that each phase prompts its unique behaviour. It defines our thoughts and feelings, and influences the emotional decision-making process.
Table of contents
When my late wife passed away, she left all her belongings behind. One of the most daunting things to deal with during our relationship and afterwards was her hoarding disorder. She had kept everything:
- Clothing from age 2 till the day she passed away
- Jewellery, ranging from simple things to somewhat more expensive.
- Some furniture
- Books
- Courses
- …
It was a huge amount of ‘just stuff’. (estimated quantity: 5 ton)
When one suffers loss, all that material in your residence becomes emotionally tainted, making the selection more challenging. Furthermore, each emotional phase will affect the approach in the tidy-up.
One objective consequence of these unfortunate circumstances is that the extreme amount allowed me to observe my behaviour over time as I went through my journey. Using the five stages of grief as a framework, I also started to discover the same demeanour in other people.
During the denial stage, one tries to maintain a status quo, allowing them to survive on adrenaline. Every small change could trigger deeper emotional responses. Unfortunately, in these daunting times, one must mostly deal with the financial and practical arrangements of the loss, whether it’s a break-up, divorce or passing.
Whatever must be done at that time, however small an item might be, could have an emotional weight of tons. Leaving a deep-rooted emptiness for everything we must depart from.
To some extent, we have idolised the past at this stage, unable to accept what has occurred.
Regardless, we must allow ourselves to lift it up and move on, one step at a time.
As the practicalities sink in, one’s core starts to resist the unavoidable change. Anger might kick in, invoking emotions ranging from slight irritations to pure rage. Furthermore, we could even project our resentment towards others, blaming them for our misfortune.
If one must make preferences during this emotional phase, the decisive motivation could sometimes be rather impulsive and illogical resulting in poor choices.
The tidy-up of my residence at the time, has triggered frequent outbursts as the sheer amount has pushed my boundaries continuously, exposing my inability to deal with the pain at that time.
The bargaining stage is mostly recognised by some behavioural changes as becoming more accommodating towards your loved ones.
In most cases when someone gets triggered by the emotional of the material, they will try to hold on to the sentiment. This often results in them trying to improve or even repair the things which were left behind.
Personally, I didn’t ignore the fact my partner had passed on, but focussed on preventing new losses. One of these extremes was the obsessive care for my dogs. They were really pampered up to the level where I neglected my health for their well-being.
The sorting came to a full stop. Instead, I started investing heavily in my residence, installing solar panels, mending all defects to perfection and replacing all broken devices. Improving whatever I could in order to prevent that what had occurred would never happen again.
Depression is the phase mostly described as sinking into the dark abyss, becoming absorbed by the pain. Everyone experiences this phase differently but is mostly present. It remains the most difficult period to sort things out. Most people will be procrastinating, postponing or ignoring it.
Yet, enduring this phase is a necessity. Ignoring it could have an ill influence on your physical and mental health. Furthermore, it could become a necessity to seek professional guidance at that time to remain focussed at the light at the end of the tunnel.
Slowly, as time passes by, most people come to terms with what they lost. In this phase, one finds new interests and goals in life. That reassessment will herald the final phase of the tidy-up.
Setting new life goals gives you the framework you need to make the final decisions. It may prove difficult to wade through the last bits while remaining focussed on the marking of the end of a long and winding journey. Ultimately, cleaning up is the stage that sets you free and prepares you for a new lease on life.
When I brought the last pieces to the tip and the thrift store, I wrote the end to a beautiful, yet most difficult chapter in the book of my life.
The very first step was to identify my emotional state in everything. If improperly grounded, it could be become too difficult to deal with the task. To prevent emotional outbursts, I withdrew and practiced mindfulness to refocus my thoughts and feelings and continued to offload the burden.
In order to deal with the last practicalities of the final selection, I have asked myself 5 questions:
- How do I want my life to look like after I offloaded the burden?
- What have become my interests, hobbies and goals in the near future.
- What are the things then I want to keep as a remembrance?
- What are the things do I really need?
- Which items are would enable me to thrive and improve my lifestyle?
Answering these questions helped me to define the guiding lines to make the last choices. Summarised, it looks something like this:
- Life
- Professional: Meaningful and fulfilling (Coaching)
- Personal: Minimalistic, yet comfortable
- Interests
- Travelling – See the world whenever possible
- Hobbies
- Music – Keep my favourite CD’s and records
- Digital photography – Keep the camera and all its accessories
- DYI – Keep the most useful tools to keep on tinkering
- Cooking – Keep the necessary pots, pans and utensils
- Remembrance
- Small mourning box containing some personal items
- Digital photo collection
This strategy determined the selection of all the equipment in the end.
That is also one of the approaches used to guide people on their journey. Although every path differentiates, our individual uniqueness allows us to grief and make choices in our own proper way, without prejudices.
Mourning has deeper ramifications than one recognises. The emotional phase shapes our decisions and actions. It also implies that letting rid of our baggage entails more than simply going through ‘stuff’. One is confronted with the emotional significance of material, which brings us back with the previous blogpost ‘I miss you’.
That’s what mourning counselling also entails. Learning to accept yourself as you are and reorganise your life as you go along the path.
Do you need a guide to navigate difficult patches? Contact me for an exploratory chat over the different channels.
These blog posts also cover experiences and tactics used in bereavement counselling; click the subject to continue reading.
