Silent cries: the unspoken pain of lost parenthood dreams
Not all scars show.
Not all wounds heal.
Sometimes you can’t always see the pain that someone feels.
unknown
A while ago someone mentioned her shattered child’s dream. She didn’t elaborate on the topic at the time, but it brought back some painful memories.
All living things on this beautiful earth, are born with the instinctive urge to sustain the species. Our genetic makeup determines our gender at conception, providing the essential organs intended for propagation. Although our body still possesses most elements of our evolutional process, our higher brain functions distinguish us from lower life forms. Humans can make a conscious choice to have children.
For some that might be a priority while others prefer to build a solid financial foundation first. But for some will be deprived of the option to make that choice, as we were at the time.
Table of content
When we fell in love in 2005, we both expressed a strong desire to start a family.
Unfortunately, due to a medical error by a gynaecologist in 2004, Veerle’s uterine wall was perforated by a UID (intra-uterine device).
The complications of that injury were severe. The internal blood loss at the time triggered the development of endometriosis. The formation of internal scar tissue created entanglement between her uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes and the surrounding organs. In a first phase it prevented the egg from descending into the uterus, although we didn’t know that at the time. After two years, further medical research revealed cancerous tumours in her fallopian tubes. After removing them, the only remaining alternative was ultimately In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).
That attempt was fruitless. Furthermore, it has triggered further medical complications for her. The most serious ones were weight gain and the further development of endometriosis due to the hormonal stimulation. The consequences of the latter however would only really surface in 2016.
To cut a long and winding story short, we had exhausted the biological means and needed to explore other options.
The first ticked box on our list was adoption.
Before I continue, the subject requires some elaboration to understand our final decision. The following paragraphs are an introduction to the adoption trajectory.
First and foremost, when someone decides to adopt a child, it’s necessary to fully comprehend that one accepts the legal responsibility to take custodianship over a child from other birthparents voluntary and raise them as their own. That responsibility entails legal rights, obligations and the upbringing can be more challenging due to the origins of the child.
These days regulated birth control and the option of abortion in cases of emergency, regardless of the ethical implications., limits the number of local adoption options in our Western world. The options for the vast majority of infertile couples are limited to international adoption.
These legal procedures are handled by official agencies and applicants are subjected to different phases. The first one is to determine whether an individual or a couple is suitable for adoption.
In Belgium, each region oversees the adoption applications. The Flemish government has appointed the official organisation ‘Child and Family (Kind en Gezin)’ to guide the applicants through the first phase. Their investigation entails a series of interviews to evaluate the suitability of the applicant(s).
After a positive advice, which is confirmed by a court and a judicial investigation, the parents to be can consult an international agency to deal with all the red tape about the procedure. The regulation of international adoptions is stipulated in the Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption (or Hague Adoption Convention) to protect those involved against corruption, abuses, and exploitation which it sometimes accompanies.
Furthermore, every country that’s provides children for adoption has their specific ruling and regardless of what the Hague convention specifies, sometimes bribes remain a necessity.
This introduction gives you an idea about the complexity of adoption. We went through part of the process, but we choose to abandon the procedure after two years after considering the following elements.
- The first factor was our age. We both had a stranded marriage before and consequently we were a further along on the road of life. Considering all the conditions of the different countries, we saw our choices limited to a child with a minimum age of 4 years.
- Secondly, the Belgian confederalisation (2013) into 4 regions had transferred the adoption administration responsibilities from a national to the regional level. This implied that all applications were reassigned, resulting in administrative delays. An optimistic estimate at the time was about 4 years, before we could potentially welcome a child in our home.
- A contributing element were the prices of the complete legal procedure. At the time, depending on the country, the official prices of the complete trajectory were between €15000 and €25000, not including bribes or other costs.
- On top of that, during the admittance procedure, personal medical issues started to pop up complicating our process further.
Foster parenting was also considered, but that choice was eliminated on ethical grounds.
Ultimately, we made a logical decision to give up our dream. Although logical choices don’t consider the emotional impact. As long someone has options, one survives on hope. But as options eliminate themselves, hope slowly diminishes. Accepting that loss, means to allow the mourning process as the shattered dream becomes reality.
The most important part of mourning for everyone, but especially HSPs and empaths, is to slow down and endure the emotional process consciously, whatever that entails or causes.
The confrontation with a crushed’s parents dream can be compared with the loss of a loved one, especially a child.
In the end, for (potential) parents, the loss of a child is one of most severe forms of loss. Furthermore, some women or men might also experience their barrenness as a failure adding a feeling of guild on top of everything, further complicating the grieving process.
Some people might be inconsiderate of this impact and just continue with lives. Especially people with a rich emotional world need time to consciously accept the loss, taking their feelings into account. If insufficient time off is taken, the probability of a crash or burn-out could increase exponentially, triggering its own consequences, further deepening the mourning trajectory.
We didn’t slow down at the time and after a few months, Veerle fell into a deep burnout with a complicated recovery. Moreover, her burn-out forced us both to slow down.
Slowing down
Each individual has their mechanism to slow down, however grief might amplify someone’s emotional pressure compromising their way to decompress.
Furthermore, this type of loss will mostly occur in romantic relationships testing the strength of their connection.
Slowing down is the first step, but communication, which is one of the 7 pillars of a healthy relationships, becomes important to maintain and, if possible, to strengthen the loving bond.
Communication
Talking in an open atmosphere about how one experiences feelings is the most important tool to comprehend each other’s suffering in a constructive manner (with or without support) through this ordeal.
The following strategies provide some suggestions for a healthy communication style:
- Use the emotional framework of the 5 stages of grief to identify the mood you might find yourself in order to share that with your partner.
- If strong emotional reactions should act up, avoid blaming each other, but try to utilise the nonviolent communication strategy to express the underlying needs at that moment.
- Maintain a healthy work/family time balance and prioritize to spend time together in a relaxed environment whenever possible.
- Avoid addictive substances like smoking, alcohol, and others.
- Seek support if the mourning process becomes unbearable.
All our biological clocks urge us to propagate ourselves, and most can make conscious choices on the matter, but some will see their child’s dream shattered.
For those who have read my earlier blogposts will recognise that mourning is not just limited to losing someone but can have a profound impact on every aspect of our lives as this subject clearly exemplifies. The unspoken pain of lost parenthood dreamis about dealing with an instinctive longing on one hand, while accepting the loss on an emotional level at the other hand.
Isn’t it the integration of the lessons that every life experience offers part of improving our lifestyle? In the end, grieving on a healthy way is part of that learning curve.
As the founder of Sweetharmony Happiness Coaching, I provide numerous coaching options to help you heal the pain in an empathetic way, regardless of the source. Please browse our options, follow me on social media, share this blog article, or leave a message in the comments if you’d like to be contacted for a conversation.
