What is the difference between living and surviving?
“If everything was perfect, you would never learn and never grow.”
Beyoncé
One can only differentiate living from survival after recognising and breaking the survival cycle. The cycle exists through pain, prohibiting your heart to truly feel and love.
People in survival mode will hide their true feelings in a pit, covered up with stones or a welded down steel lid. Their behaviour is based on pure rationality, and they will show compensate, each in their unique way.
Some will become hoarders because they ‘feel’ they can’t let go of the past.
Some will seek their own way to help others, at the cost of their health.
Some will bury themselves in work, because they flee from loneliness and pain.
Some will just stop and procrastinate everything.
There are millions of ways to avoid ‘feeling’ and for empaths, that might lead them on disastrous paths. Their natural instinct to help others will increase because they hope or think, that by helping others their own pain will become lesser or resolved. Although they might feel a temporary moment of joy or happiness, there is a high probability that they will just absorb the pain of that person like a sponge, amplifying their own.
Christine was one of them.
Keypoints
Christine
She was born into a family where the trans-generative pattern of traumatic pain was passed down from the grandparents onto the parents and, in the end, to her.
Her parents were oblivious of the causes and its consequences, and that’s where the narcissistic patterns came into play. Her mother was always in such agony that her inability to deal with her feelings resulted in inappropriate emotional reactions. She fled into destructive patterns such as drinking and smoking. She acted as if she was victimised by the world which was her way of survival while unwillingly enforcing a conditioning pattern onto her husband and child.
Christine became co-dependent. The conditioning triggered an unwavering support for her mother, regardless the needs. She also inherited the inability to truly feel.
It can also be said that her father was also impacted by the demands of his partner, maybe even maintained a large social network to flee from the emotional strain at home. Due to her father’s absence, Christine assumed the position of parent for her mother, partially depriving herself of the right to be a kid, which had a significant influence on her life. She was also subjected to paedophilia, bullying, and toxic relationships as a youngster since the parentification prevented the development of appropriate boundaries.
All her relationships were influenced by these patterns, invoking their own dramatic situations.
Towards her friends she has always shown an open-minded, charming and humorous attitude, however these contacts were limited over time.
She was always helping others, both on a professional and personal level, although inept to resolve her own issues in the end.
Her romances were different, although she was a warm, caring person, she partially isolated her partner from his family, where the care for her and her parents was prioritized. The intimate nature of the relationship acted as a curtain, hiding her real attitude.
The most important inherited pattern was her fear of abandonment. It exhibited itself mainly in conflicts, where it was essential for her partner to acknowledge her. When he withdrew to calm down and avoid further escalation, she always felt abandoned. She heightened the intensity of these conflicts by always running after him, yelling and ,occasionally, beating him.
Her inability to process her emotions also triggered an emptiness within her, which resulted into her becoming a hoarder, paired with a shopping addiction. She liked collecting worthless jewellery compulsively as a way to keep up appearances all the while hiding her inner feelings
The influence it had on her health is not to be underestimated, the energy she was forced to put into her mother, drained her. Which left her exhausted due to her partially absorbing her mother’s negativity.
Several unwanted consequences, such as emotional eating, took a heavy toll on her body.
Lastly, when the exhaustion due to emotional strain and suffering triggered a deep feeling of guilt, she would resort to attempting to end her life out of desperation, ultimately succeeding.
This part of the writing focusses on her true suffering. Without a doubt, warm and beautiful moments in her life were also there, but only when she was disconnected from care, consciously avoiding direct contact with her mother.
Her life was mostly surviving, as her ability to love was compromised by the inherited pain.
Herman
When her husband, Herman, allowed himself to process his grief, he started to recognise the differences between his survival patterns and really enjoying life. Slowly at first, but as the layers of the onion were slowly peeled, more and more joy entered his life.
This was enforced through the application of “perspective thinking strategies”, which allowed him to look at things from a bird’s point of view. This helped him to observe his own and his beloved’s life experiences. Giving him the opportunity to focus on and reframe the negative aspects.
Weaving these aspects into his memories gave him the framework to fully comprehend their suffering. He was able to let go of the heartache and to effectively transform his “survival” into “living” through the telling of and the reframing of his story. This helped to get him, finally, on a path of healing.
Survival and living
The definition of joy is unique for everyone.
Some might enjoy a glass of wine while reading a book, while others prefer going out and socialise.
Regardless of the format, really enjoying life is about allowing oneself to disconnect from daily things. A moment where you feel completely unburdened, loosened from all that is stressful. Resulting in a glorious moment of mindfulness and relaxation.
Although, there is a striking difference between acting calm and being calm.
People in survival mode resemble swans, they appear beautiful and graceful on the surface but are swimming frantically beneath the waterline. Some people are like that; they appear to be calm and collected on the surface, but in reality, they are suffering on the inside.
On the other hand, reacting from tranquillity, really means that you only put effort in something when the need really arises.
People in survival mode frequently display behaviour that might hint at an underlying struggle. They’ve mastered the skill of maintaining a calm exterior, but if you look more closely, you can pick up on minor cues. There are eight common traits shared between those who look tranquil while covertly navigating life on high alert.
8 common behaviours amongst people with a survival pattern
1. They are experts of managing their feelings
People who appear calm on the outside but are truly in survival mode are masters of emotional management. They have learned to moderate their emotions out of need rather than choice in order to cope with the everyday challenges.
They are not cold or distant; rather, they portray their emotions in a way that masks internal stress in order to blend in.
They want you to feel comforted in their presence. Their steady voice and composure are there to put you at ease. If you were to recognise it, act normally and reinforce it. That will help them to feel secure.
2. They tend to be great problem solvers
There is always a friend who is calm no matter what scenario he finds himself in. He’s like a rock amidst a storm, unwavering and calm.
Once, while on a road trip, the car broke down in the middle of nowhere. While some of us were terrified, he was already brainstorming. He swiftly assessed the problem, made a few contacts, and within an hour, assistance was on the way which comforted everyone at the same time.
The exceptional capability to solve problems under duress is a part of survival mode. Having learnt to swiftly spot issues and devise efficient remedies, eliminates the time to panic and enables him to move forward.
According to psychology, people’s reptile brains respond to threats in three ways: flight, fight, and freeze. This region of the brain, sometimes known as the primitive brain, is still active in survival circumstances, even if there are few of them.
Continuously being in problem-solving mode could be stressful and draining, but it’s a clear indication that, underneath their serene appearance, lies a strength ready to be unleashed while living.
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3. They’re hyper-vigilant
Some people who are in survival mode could be incredibly attentive. They’re constantly on the lookout for potential discomforts, risks or problems within their surroundings, catching up on nuances that others may overlook, being prepared to adapt and respond accordingly.
It has become a survival strategy of people who grew up in unstable or hazardous environments that enabled them to respond swiftly to prospective hazards. It might be taxing for them, but it is also what keeps them a step ahead of the competition.
If you recognise this vigilance, know that they might have adopted this behaviour in the past, but they are also signs that they are attentive caretakers. Showing them your appreciation for their warmth will help them to let down their guard.
(Reference: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-hypervigilance)
4. They’re quite skilled at planning ahead
Behind their serene façade, people who are always in survival mode are excellent planners, constantly on guard, prepared to meet anything coming their way.
They’ve realised that the best approach to deal with possible difficulties is to foresee them before they might occur. Often already having the worst-case situation considered, they planning out different scenarios whilst anticipating potential results. This rigorous planning helps them to remain calm even when things go awry.
The skill of predicting possible outcomes can be incredibly useful in many situations because it will not only prepare one for the eventuality of things but it will also guarantee the fact that one will feel prepared in the face of difficulty. This means that someone who functions in “high-survival mode” will have already seen the situation unfold before it has done so and, when implemented correctly, possible solutions might already have been prepared.
The contingency strategies are frequently used in management roles, where the ability to make assessments and finding targeted solutions without feeling pressured saves time. This can also be applied in a personal atmosphere to create more time to enjoy life.
5. They frequently put others before themselves.
People who have the tendency to constantly contribute towards others or put in more effort than necessary, all the while appearing calm outwardly, could be seen as a sign that they prioritise other’s necessities rather than their own. Their inner turmoil may make them more sympathetic to other’s hardships and that has become a part of their survival pattern.
It is a lovely characteristic to understand what it’s like to face obstacles, but it is also a double-edged sword. It can often mean that they are sacrificing their own needs in their eagerness to assist others.
Even though self-sacrifice is glorified in society, don’t abuse their selfless acts. Gently point out that they need to prioritise their needs above yours. Allow them to assist you where needed without exhausting them. That will help them to remain balanced.
6. They have difficulties relaxing
Most individuals in survival mode struggle to relax, it might feel like they are running a marathon without a finish line in sight. On the surface, they may look cool and composed, but there is always a part of them that is waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Finding it difficult to relax and appreciate the tranquillity is mostly found in unsafe environments. If you notice that tendency in someone, allow them to feel safe. That feeling will increase their ability to relax exponentially.
7. Being spontaneous is rare for them
People who are silently in survival mode, seek structure, regularity, and predictability in their life. They like meticulously planning their holidays or adhering to a rigid daily regimen. After all, surprises might be disconcerting when you’re constantly anticipating the next difficulty.
This is not because they are uninteresting or lack adventure in social interactions. On the contrary, their desire for regularity and order has become a coping strategy that helps them navigate life with confidence and control.
If you would pick up that clue, just allow them to loosen up. They will be fine.
8. They’re more resilient than they show on the surface
The most essential thing to know about people who appear even-tempered but are actually in survival mode, is that they are highly resilient.
Their continual attentiveness, capacity to plan, ability for problem solving, and emotional control all speak from an incredible inner power. Their survival mode is a sign of resilience, not weakness. They’ve developed these skills of being cool in the face of hardship, which remains an extraordinary achievement in the end.
Balance
Regardless of these wonderful abilities, the emotional strain and exhaustion of dealing with these challenges comes afterwards. The imbalance between exertion and unwinding, resulting from self-sacrifice comes at a price and more often then not, the compensative behaviour worsens during the decompression period or they might even end up burnt out.
Pilots in the film ‘Top Gun Maverick’ frequently hear that the ability to fly an aeroplane is determined by the man-in-the-box’s expertise. You always have power over your own decisions and actions. The major purpose of self-care is to find the right balance between exertion and relaxation, what requires expertise in the end..
For HSPs and Empaths, self-care remains fundamental for their energy management. Someone, recovering from heartache, needs to accept that downtime is crucial. Especially when they are emotionally compromised.
The awareness of these common behaviours will help you and your supporters to navigate the difficult patches, preventing potential exhaustion.
Strategies to go from surviving to living
In HSP and empath therapy and coaching, a fourfold strategy is applied, nourishing both their abilities and healing their heartache.
Self-knowledge: the first step in Herman’s recovery was to explore his unique way to achieve a state of mindfulness where he could explore the past. The improved awareness has allowed him to take a step back, enabling him to:
- Analyse his behaviour in survival mode
- Identify the underlying reasons for his heartache
- Single out his fears
- Recognise his abilities in these times of hardship
Reframing of the memories & healing
The bird’s perspective also supported the reframing of memories. Herman’s grief was enhanced by the intensity of dramatic events. The unravelment through therapy and counselling revealed the underlying causes and sparked off the healing process. The integration of the different insights in a loving manner helped him to:
- Heal his heart, putting the pain into perspective.
- Strengthen his skills when challenged, without being aroused or overwhelmed afterwards.
- Prioritise his self-care at all times.
Feel OK about who you are: In short, his mourning trajectory slowly allowed him to have a new lease at life after the passing of his beloved.
Remark: Some people also develop different survival strategies but that’s a different topic.
Summarised
Always remember that there’s more to people than meets the eye. Guidance after loss can make a make the difference between surviving and living.
In some cases, therapy could be a requirement. In others, mourning counselling suffices to find practical solutions to help you heal. The possibility also exists to combine both to deal with the pain faster, but this could put you through a greater strain.
Only you can differentiate survival from living and make the choice to step out of the cycle. The Beatles once sang ‘Let it be’… and in some cases that’s good advice. But sometimes, if you are unable or unwilling to address it, the cycle just continues. Reach out if you have any doubts.
Sweetharmony Happiness Coaching offers one-on-one sessions, workshops and retreats where these subjects are open for conversation. This might help you to reconnect with yourself while talking to peers.
