Love: a conscious choice or a myth?

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage

Lao Tzu

In this blog post, I would like to write about how love influences life. Many, many, many, many… (inspired by the character of Commandant Lassart in Police Academy) people have written, spoken, and sung about on the topic “love,” each of them giving their perspective or describing their pain. Am I allowed to add another version?

When we spoke about the topic for the first time, my editor asked me what the term actually meant to me. To be honest, I had to reflect on the subject for a few weeks. It has occurred to me how deep and complex love in any form can be, and yet, for most it seems so simple.

In the end, I needed to truly feel it on order to put it to words, through the following eight questions:

• How would one describe the word ‘love’?
• What conditional love entail?
• How do you approach conditional love in real life?
• When does conditional love becomes harmful?
• What exactly is unconditional love?
• When will one love unconditionally?
• Which were the influences on my life?
• Which are the hormones are linked with love and feeling good?
• Summary

How can one describe ‘love’, considering the uniqueness of each individual? It can’t be grasped rationally, nor can it be defined as an emotion, some say it could be defined as a state of mind and yet contains all.

Love ‘in its broader sense’ is a feeling where a person feels emotionally secure and has the rational trust to experience this state of mind. Furthermore, you could add that love becomes a conscious choice with a developed awareness.

Needless to say, HSPs and empaths experience the emotional side of the feeling very deeply and, in some cases, come to depend on it.

Under normal circumstances there is always a balance between the amount of attention/affection one gives and receives, while respecting your own boundaries and those of your partner (whatever the type of relation form) while appreciating each other’s individual qualities.

A relationship founded on true conditional love, will inspire both participants to grow into a harmonious relationship where each is inspired to thrive in any sense possible, in the reliance of the interaction between them. Sometimes this is also called a spiritual (context: growth) relationship.

On the other hand, an unhealthy form of conditional love might create a unbalanced relationship (whether a status quo or degenerative). It could grow into a harmful relationship when your partner starts to manipulate the way they want to be ‘cared for’ through time and in some way, potentially creating a dependent situation. The topic is further explored in the following blogpost.

Especially empaths are drawn into these types of relationships, based on their instinctive impulses to help people, sometimes sacrificing everything without considering the consequences.

Children that grow up in such an environment are unconsciously forced to accept the situation, which could have a disturbing effect on their upbringing as they learn to define harmful conditional love as unconditional. On this way generation patterns are being created.

Regardless of what is being said and written, everyone owns a bit of ego and manipulation. It’s a necessity to thrive in our society. Every step in life can be challenging, but dealing with it consciously helps us to grow every day.

Unconditional love, on the other hand, is fundamentally different. The main keywords here are observing, eventually giving, without any expectations.

Sometimes it is defined as the love that God gives to us, but let’s be realistic, we are mere humans, not gods! We are allowed to have our strengths and weaknesses. But can’t we remain ourselves when we uphold our true values, whatever our background?

The holistic approach looks at the world with an open mind, without prejudice or expectations. React lovingly towards people, while consciously guarding your boundaries. It supports you to be empathic in certain situations, to forgive while learning from mistakes.

 Unconditional love refers to a person’s attitude. The ability to observe people, to help them if required or requested without expecting anything in return. Mostly it relates to four topics:

• Loving yourself unconditionally
• Unconditionally love towards your children
• Help people who are in need
• Connecting to pets

Loving oneself unconditionally means that your inner core is being stimulated to give your inner child the trust to show ourselves as we truly are, without fear or hesitation.

Allowing it is really fundamental! How can you sincerely love others if can’t connect lovingly to yourself? We all have our strengths and weaknesses, but how can we grow and let go of the (over)protective part of our ego if we’re unable to forgive ourselves if we’re doing something wrong? Do we really need to resort to self-mortification to atone for our sins?

Every philosophy, from purely scientific to religion, stimulates us to grow, to allow that unconditional attitude, regardless of the manner. In the end, it’s a choice that everyone has to implement it in their proper manner.

Children are mostly unaware of who they are in the first seven years of their existence. They record everything unconditionally while they build their consciousness on these building blocks. They basically learn through experimentation. A (grand)parent’s unconditional attitude and affection provides the essential secure environment through to grow experience, allowing them to evolve into strong, self-confident adults.

There are a lot of people in the world who are suffering from diseases, poverty, natural disasters… Donating money or supporting organisations through voluntary work provides those in need of a potential future. If you were in need of support, wouldn’t you want something to fall back to?

Do animals, particularly pets, connect with humans unconditionally?  Let me emphasise that their adoration is real. Most mammals, particularly those that intuitively function within a social hierarchy, will interact with humans in the same way.

You will become an unconditional member of their pack (particularly the dogs), which brings safety and well-being.  Some dogs will express their love by repeatedly soliciting to play, while others will sleep close to you.  Each animal has its own personality, complete with idiosyncrasies and twerks, yet they do not see you through human eyes.  They love unconditionally, regardless of age, appearance, or if you genuinely care about them.  They also experience mental distress if they are exposed to specific situations.

Caring for a pet is a conscious choice. Their emotional link with you might offer both joy and grief. If you are thinking about getting a pet, consider all the aspects of their care. Don’t make an impulsive decision.

However, in order to truly feel love, you must first be able to let go of old wounds. Otherwise, you may have a strange and possibly hazardous experience with it. Furthermore, understanding both types of love and how to connect to them might help you make healthier decisions. Which relationships you keep and nurture, and others you should let go of. Which generational behaviours you will pass on to next generation.

My own experience has taught me that I, too, had to let go of deep wounds in order to fully accept myself, no matter what. The search to learn how to deal with my neurological sensitivities made me realise how my own behaviour patterns were influenced by the past. The road taught me how to objectively examine causes, assess effects, and respond correctly. To fully deal with the memories of past occurrences, to gently reframe them so that I could truly let go.

The process resulted in three significant changes in my life:

• Understanding the context of traumatic memories helped me become more neutral about them. It dissipated the underlying feelings, allowing me to find tranquility within myself.
• Improved my ability to approach challenging situations objectively.
• Attracted new connections while maintaining a healthy balance.

Ultimately, it has simply confirmed my decision to further develop my coaching practice.

There is an interaction between our minds and bodies. Our perception of happiness is biochemically boosted. When we feel happy and begin to radiate, our glands secrete the hormones serotonin, dopamine, and endorphin.

When we need to protect ourselves, our bodies generate hormones such as adrenaline (which helps us react quickly) and cortisol (which is a stress hormone). However, this blog post delves deeper into the topic of stress.

The most important thing to remember is that our ideas influence our bodies, and vice versa. Love in its different aspects can bring joy in our lives which offers reduced stress and anxiety.

When you describe love, it is more than just a word; it is a feeling that makes you joyful but may also cause you to lose yourself. Consciously expressing conditional and unconditional love eventually decides where you stand in life.

Most interpersonal connections, regardless of their form, are conditional, requiring a balance of giving and receiving. When an imbalance occurs, defining boundaries is critical in avoiding unhealthy interactions.

Unconditional love refers to an open attitude towards the world, without prejudices or expectations. Responding warmly to other people, while consciously guarding your own boundaries. It also helps to be empathetic in some situations, to forgive and prevent things from happening again.

However, it is important to feel it strongly, while remaining in balance. For good emotional regulation, there are three important keypoints:

• Understanding what the word ‘love’ really means.
• Having healthy boundaries, which makes it safe to allow the feeling.
• Allowing to heal and disconnect from old wounds.

Also, an essential thing to remember is that our thoughts affect our bodies, and vice versa. Love in its various forms may bring delight into our lives, reducing stress and anxieties.

If you want to experience how it could feel, Watch and listen to the following song Turn the volume up as loud as you want and just enjoy the moment!

If you have trouble connecting to one or more of the three emotional core points, contact me. Maybe I can help you on your way to a healthier way to live your life in a sweet harmonious way.