Life, Loss, and the Power of Choice: A Reflection on Mourning

It’s a wonderful new day, the blue sky with a bright sun to lighten my spirits, inspiring me to truly express how I feel today.

Actually, today marks the first Friday after the burial of my mother Paula.

Somehow the world feels familiar, it seems that nothing has changed and yet, very quietly her passing marks the end of her generation.

Our globe keeps on turning, life goes on, but this event has passed on the family torch to the next generation, without words or real ceremony. How will I, together with my sister, consciously choose to keep this torch burning brightly or allow it to dim its light slowly?

Honestly, that question woke me up this morning. Losing someone, faces us all with three facts of life:

• Life goes on, regardless! The way how we live it, is a choice.
• We are forced to mourn our losses. How we endure that pain is a choice.
• One day, every one of us will also perish, leaving a legacy behind determined by the choices we have made in our life.

That circle of life has always existed and will endure until the end of times. Although we might be a mere blink of an eye in that eternity, even a thousand of a second can hold an indescribable beauty, if properly recognised. The way we bask that moment in is determined by who we are.

My mother has also made her choices in life. Each time with the best of intentions and judgement on that moment. Unconsciously passing on her legacy onto her surroundings.

That insight brought me back to the way I would like to remember her. Do I limit my choices on the negative aspects of her choices and actions or do I take everything into account? That very question has been on my mind for a very long time. There were times that I, unfortunately, truly resented for parts of her legacy. But today, after realising that she was mere human, which comes with its strengths and weaknesses, the gratitude that she bought me into this wonderful world brings a genuine smile on my face. Just acknowledging the fact that without my parents, I wouldn’t be, I wouldn’t be able to live and write this blogpost for example.

A few days after her passing, I started to channel my thoughts and feelings into a text that would truly describe her during her last ceremony.  The keywords that slowly started to define my mother was a golden heart. That loving warmth, hidden beneath all her layers of life, has moved me to tears, realising that I truly love her, unconditionally, as a child (or should) loves his parents. Being grateful for the gift of life. Isn’t that the true meaning of the biblical words: “Honour thy father and thy mother” in the end?

Judging people comes naturally in the heat of emotional moments. Sometimes words and actions, spoken or done in anger, can have destructive effects on people and relationships.

For me, as a human and coach, the most important aspect of these conflicts is the way you deal with them afterwards. Are you able to step out, see where things went wrong and offer a sincere apology? The ability to create to bridge a potential gap makes a big difference in all aspects.

It will never be my place to tell anyone how to live, although always take three things in consideration before you pass judgement onto your parents:

• They have chosen to bring you into this world, regardless how you were conceived.
• Whatever has happened or has been passed on, they have lived their lives to the best of their abilities.
• However you think or do in life, it is, and always will be your choice, whatever the causes and consequences.

Do you want to keep on losing energy in blaming them for your misfortunes or do you want to use the same energy to learn from their mistakes, while taking their strengths into account? Allow me to say that that is the true meaning of learning, especially while mourning about someone you’ve lost.

There were times that I’ve lost my energy and that’s regrettable but were also an essential part of learning about the facts of life for me.😎

We are all forced to mourn our losses, however how you endure that pain is a choice, one you take today and will decide your future. What will be yours?

I have chosen to take the teachings of mourning to the heart and to remember people as they were, taking all aspects of their being into account. That has also sparked the inspiration to include mourning counselling into my coaching approaches.

In the end, mourning counselling helps people to put their feelings into words and truly move on. If you need a hand, just reach out.